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Lifer
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Sun Feb 07, 2010 12:33 pm

Osama Bin Laden caught shagging sheep in the mountains of western pakistan.









He said they were 'is lambs and he could do what the fuck he wanted with 'em.


Boom, boom ... I'm here all week
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Julz
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Mon Feb 08, 2010 2:30 am

Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself shop.
A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.'
Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'
The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her with the shovel.'
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Julz
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Thu Feb 11, 2010 2:28 am

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Wed Feb 24, 2010 8:01 am

Two priests at a bucking bronco contest...


...One of the priests manages to stay on the bucking bronco for ten minutes, to the astonishment of the other.

The second priest asks "Fuck me, how did you manage that?" to which the first replies........







"Easy....."





















"...one of my alter boys is epileptic."
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Wed Feb 24, 2010 1:32 pm

A dwarf came into the pub yesterday wearing a "I hate p***'s" T-Shirt.

I thought "fuck me, thats a little racist!!!"
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Thu Feb 25, 2010 3:43 am

I've started cage fighting, won my first fight yesterday,.



..................................................................................
f**king budgie never knew what hit it!!!

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Thu Feb 25, 2010 4:38 am

...........



Thanks to .tUrniP for the sig
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Julz
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Fri Feb 26, 2010 4:40 am

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he
was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on
him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold.... and I'm not reheating it." And
on-and-on-and-on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in
the bathtub.... pursued by the predictable, sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution, after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Tue Mar 02, 2010 2:35 am

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


" Your badge. Show him your FUCKIN BADGE ! "
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Wed Mar 17, 2010 7:24 am

Letters to Viz Magazine:

* Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond


* What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.


* Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

P Boddington, Ringway


* Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours

* What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.


* I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.


* WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.


* Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat f***ers? Its hardly fair.


* Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius

* The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.


* They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.


* If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?


* These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down


* We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.


* Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman,
Munich


* I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.


* Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand
Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and
dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.



* So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.


* I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in
the post each week. What I want to know is................ who's sending the other one?
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Mon Mar 22, 2010 5:24 pm



Last night,my children and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are such assholes .

_______________________________________

Subject: FW: Grandpa and Revenue Canada -wonderful


Revenue Canada decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Revenue Canada office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,

Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure Revenue Canada finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk..

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Mon Mar 22, 2010 5:30 pm

MALE or FEMALE





Male or Female? You might not have known this...but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:





FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.




PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off...it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.



TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated



HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their ar$e.




SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft......squeezable and retain water.



WEB PAGES:
Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.



TRAINS: Definitely male... because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.



EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because...over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.



HAMMERS: Male... because in the last 5000 years......they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.




THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Mon Mar 22, 2010 6:08 pm

The front fell off!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=joZp49JAhpQ
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Julz
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Tue Mar 23, 2010 3:28 am

I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking will power'
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Tue Mar 23, 2010 8:31 am

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, 'how much for a drink?', the bartender replies, 'for you, no charge.'

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side.

Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'

A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks 'Excuse me, professor, but does Munich stop by this train?'

What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.


I know ... I know ... but I just watched yesterday's "The Big Bang Theory" and had to.
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:42 am

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are on their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However, when she is menstruating she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Mon Mar 29, 2010 10:11 am


SNOWPLOW


One winter morning a husband and wife in central South
Dakota were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You
must park......." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just
leave it in the garage this time?"
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Thu Apr 01, 2010 11:00 am

Just been arrested for playing a prank on a girl at work.

The police have said that even though it is April fools day, it's still rape.


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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Mon Apr 19, 2010 11:39 am

Apparently theres a new anti-depressant out for lesbians.....


Trycoxagain...
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Mon Apr 19, 2010 11:40 am

I'll be voting for the Icelandic Volcano Party in the upcoming election.

It's done more for the UK immigration problem in the past 5 days than fucking labour has done in the past 12 years
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Mon Apr 19, 2010 2:58 pm

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor.

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
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Julz
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Tue Apr 20, 2010 11:00 am

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, sniggering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."


Last edited by Julz on Tue Apr 20, 2010 11:02 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Tue Apr 20, 2010 11:01 am

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160 kph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180 kph, then 190 , then 200 kph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of The BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, My wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir." said the policeman.
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Thu Apr 29, 2010 2:31 am

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times..'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes   Tue May 04, 2010 9:18 am

DIARY OF A POMMIE IMMIGRANT.


August 31- Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Roxby Downs ,South Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.


September 13
- Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.


September 30th - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.


October 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.


October 15th - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.


October 20th
- Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.


October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin' Adelaide....


October 30th
- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fuckin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?


November 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.


November 8
- If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to fuckin' throttle him. Fuckin' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuckin' wet and I smell like baked cat!


November 9 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my fuckin' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried
arse and baked cat!



November 10
- Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fuckin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two fuckin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.


November 15
- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fuckin' place? Water
restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fuckin' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fuckin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the
fuckers!


November 20th - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car.. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker. Fuckin' Roxby! What kind of sick, demented fuckin' idiot would want to live here!



December 1
-
........WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are fuckin' kidding!
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