missing your parents

When my dad died ,it took my a long time to come to terms with his death.I was always his little girl,and after my mother had died i went every week to do some cleaning for him.one saturday i went in and found him in the kitchen on the floor,and was in total shock and could not even remember the 999 number for an ambulance so i rang my daughter.After some weeks went by and Andrea and a mate wanted to go to a spiritulist church,and asked me to go with them,a medium came into the hall and said that she senced something tradgic had happened to someone that was sitting either by us or the people behind,and she said that people that have only just passed over dont usually come,but she said ive got your father here saying if there was any way i could have avoided you finding me i would have done so but it was out of my control,i came out in tears but somehow felt a comfort i could till cry when i think of him nowand miss him so much

Having lost my mum fairly recently. I have not grieved or entered the mourning process. Whereas my Dad has moved on and remarried. So I am caught between loss and anger and anything else that sits between those 2.

Grief is individual and no 2 mourning are the same. My Dad had some friends turn on him when he got involved with my step-mum others seemed OK with it. I am torn between happiness he is happy and Ok anddid my parents marriage be not as rosy as I assumed?


I have gained now a very uncomfortable knoweldege how my own kids felts when me and their dad split and each got an additional parent.

In fairness to my dad he did nurse my mum through her cancer, remission and subsequent return to cancer and as he said it. He had made his peace with the situation and moved on with it as it progressed.

To an extent so did I, but unlike him I have come to a complete stop, unable to go forward or back. As I had to be strong that strength and get on with what needed doing, it is my ultimate undoing.

It makes my situation worse when discussing with the humanist what to say about my mum, it dawned on me that most of my early memories and indeed most of them were about my Nan and Granddad. Both of them passed on many moons ago, within a week of each other and I have not finished grieving for them. It sounds cold but I felt more loss for them than my own mum. A lot had to do with the funeral of my Nan and then my Granddad I hated the way the family took and divided things up when they were barely cold in the grave. I was gifted my Nan's jewelry collection and button tin, nothing valuable , costume jewelry but to me it was what I played with and adored.I loved her ticking watch and would spend hours listening to it as a child. What I got was broken items and no button tin. Perhaps that anger toward my mum and the rest of her family has prevented my mourning my own mum. I got the watch when my mum died but I was still angry that they had gone against my Nan's wishes and what felt to me like stolen and defiled memories I had contained in her jewelery and button box.

My dad upon my mum's death did the same, I had her tell me what she wanted to do, he was there. She had also written it down and my dad did not follow her wishes. One side of me feels like a spoiled brat throwing a tantrum over nothing, and the other side understands the financial situation. What killed me more was he knew my Nan's stuff was mine but he got rid of some of it without asking me and when my new step-mum moved in, she told him what she wanted to keep and he let her.

Part of me says it is stuff and I would have sold it or given it to charity, but the principle is I was not asked and between her and my brothers it felt like I was kept in the dark while they ladened their pockets and my memories were stolen.

In both incidents neither my grandparents or mum made a will. Deaths bring out the worst in people so I would urge anybody to make a will and avoid the unseen cost to people when a family splits apart through greed or disputes.

My own in-laws had the same occur, I watched one side of the family circle in like vultures picking the best bits and leaving tiny scraps for the rest of the family. It broke apart the family and hostiles still remain between the 2 sides and that was over 15 years ago.


As for mediums, they are very good at cold reading and will look up recent deaths and play on them, finding out minute details. I know of some that hover around funeral parlors and autopsy units gathering titbit's of information to milk the grieving family.. So please be very careful.

There are some parts of your situation thats a bit like mine ,my mum and dad were married until my mum too died of cancer,and dad was nursing her for 18 months until she died.He would go to our local club everyweek,as he could not stay in the house,later he too met a woman that became his second wife and we did not like her very much ,but i kept telling myself if it makes him happy we have to except it.After eight years she had a hemorage in the brain and was given a 50 50 chance ,and she came out of hospital and once again my dd nursed her,but dad was older than her and was in his eighties,and he could not cope so her family decided to put her in a nursing home .There was one just minutes away from my dad and they un knowing to him put her miles away near them.
He got a bad chest infection and was ordered to stay in as it was snowing,however he went , her family came to their house and took all the furniture that she came with when they got married and left him without a table and chairs to eat off and even an old mirror that was no good,with this he was heatbroken,and i felt that he lost the will to live. On the saturday morning i went to do his cleaning and noticed his curtains were drawn,as i went in he being a minor all his lfe had a huge fire ,but as i entered it was out,i shouted out to him but no answer,and whhen i went into the kitchen he was on the floor,i ran out of the house for help but knowone came so i rang Andrea.the police and the ambulance then came with in minutes,on the day of the funeral none of her family came ,his wife came in a wheel chair and left straight after,but ill never forgive them for what they did ,as to the medium she had come from scotland and we had never been in that church before

Mediums travel to where they can ply their trade.We've had one circle down here she's all the way from Germany. She trailed a family around when she learnt of their interesting death, as they earmark them as. Got her nowhere they are avid sceptics, and turned the tables on her. She soon left and no doubt is circling somewhere else.


My nan called them morgue harpies. Apt name.

Thanks for this information gris gris, although this was 10 years ago now but i,ll never forget what her family did ,and i will always miss him .Ive got his photo on the wall in my living room and look at it every day,as to the greaving process ,i dont think things realy sink in until months later ,when the funeral and the arrangements are being attended too its not then ,its when you are on your own and realy have time to sit and think

I can agree over my Granddad, his loss was much bigger to me than losing my own father......

My real dad emigrated to South Africa when I was 11 years old, I spoke to him regularly enough over the phone (in the days before the internet) and he came back to visit several times, I went to visit him when I was 17.

I found out that he had cancer when I was around 25 and he battled it for 2 years, when I knew he was really ill I could not go to see him, not having the money and having a small daughter. I had split from my ex husband and had recently met Gaz when the call came through to say he had died at the age of 52 , strangely enough I called him 2 days before, although he couldn't speak due to a stroke he knew I was there and I told him I loved him.

His funeral took place over there and his ashes were brought back to be buried about 40 miles away from me in a little village where his parents lived.

The reason his death does not really register with me too much is that I was used to him living so far away, so to me it still feels exactly the same. I just think of him still being in South Africa but now I can't call him. He was never really close to my daughter so I don't cry about the thought of what he's missing.

Now my granddad on the other hand....my mum and I had lived with him for a while when I was young, we were there every weekend, we used to go out with him, he was the person who fetched me home from the hospital when I had my daughter, he was the life and soul of the party every Christmas, he would play his harmonica for me on demand, he was fit as a flea and would dance around with me on his feet for hours when I was little.

I lost both men within 2 years of each other.

I miss my parents and my Nan.

I agree it is the odd moments, when these things creep up on you. My mum's funeral was horrible, I didn't want to be there. I couldn't get out of there quick enough the sight of my mum's casket really pushed my over the edge. My fight of flight instincts was very much on the flight side of things. I don't think it dawned on my dad how much I hated being there. Her funeral was lovely, no black, just colours and her fave music, well part of it.

My brother cocked that up. He kicked up a storm bout me and Dad doing everything but given one task he dragged his heels and wouldn't do it. My other brother was useless, his wife was in a miff at why I was doing things when he should be. Her family think males take charge of all that etc. Whereas I'm the oldest and the one with her feet on the ground, most trustworthy and my mum wanted it that way.

My brother's wife was even saying what she was getting from the house before my mum was even buried. Egging on my brother to get in there and get the stuff she wanted. No surprise to learn it was all the expensive stuff she had deemed to be hers.

Which ironically she has got her hands on. My other brother did a moonlight flit and took the entire bedroom, his stuff, part of my nan's stuff which he knew he wasn't allowed to have, and half the ornaments etc with him. He then got thrown out of where he had landed, and the stuff went to her house and there it stays. He is going to have a nasty shock when he remateralises.

His new best sister-in-law is no so shiny and lovely. She is a bitter nasty piece of work, much like she told people at the funeral I was. That I only came down as it was her plan to have the family altogether before my mum died. How my mum thought the world of her as the daughter she should have had blh blah. until my mum's best friend said, you, she couldn't stand the sight of let alone hear your name spoke. Her daughter came down as she was asked to as promised whenthe time was right to take over things and begin what she had already been prepped for as long as she had known my mum. Took the wind right out of her sails and I did discreetly giggle.

From other funerals I have attended they are always so hollow and false. Then the fighting begins and family's get torn apart by greed.

I hated attending them, so I've banned my own funeral. I want none of that nonsense over hyped price and crap that goes with it. I kick the bucket and that is it, from morgue to the BBQ and that be it. If my family want to do something they can fling my ashes over the cliffs where I was born and shout good riddance. I insist on the good riddance part.

Yeah. These feelings come up when you least expect them, and often times when you can't deal with the pain.

Quite true and has anybody else noticed TV or films or song even seem to hit you hardest with a painful jab at something similiar occuring as in a cancer theme in a film or loss in a song. Gets me everytime.