Because I'm a MAN!!!!!

Subject: Because I'm a MAN!!!!! Wed Aug 26, 2009 3:19 pm

Because I'm a man,
when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling the Automobile Association is not an option.... I WILL win.
______________________________________________

Because I'm a man,
when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what
I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but
now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to
start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form
of holy communion.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man,
when I catch a cold, I need some one to bring me soup and take care of me tenderly while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do. So, for you, this is no problem.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man,
I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find things like exotic cheeses or tofu.. For all I know, they are the same thing.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man,
when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man,
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it...... Though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....
(Applies to engineers mainly).
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man,
there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports, or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man,
I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man,
you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie... Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. And, if you're feeling amorous afterwards, then I will certainly remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man,
I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too... either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it. Everything looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man,
and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden with a beer in my hand, wondering what to do.

(This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.)

Subject: Re: Because I'm a MAN!!!!! Wed Aug 26, 2009 3:50 pm

hahahahahahaha love it :)

Subject: Re: Because I'm a MAN!!!!! Wed Aug 26, 2009 5:40 pm

100 Reasons Beer is Better than Women

1. You can enjoy a BEER all month.
2. BEER stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a BEER.
4. Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When BEER goes flat you toss it out.
6. BEER is never late.
7. HANGOVERS go away.
8. A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER.
9. BEER labels come off without a fight.
10.When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a BEER.
11. BEER never has a headache.
12. After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A BEER won't get upset if you come home with BEER on your breath.
14. If you pour a BEER right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty.
16. A BEER ALWAYS goes down easy.
17. You can share a BEER with your friends.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER.
19. A BEER is always wet.
20. BEER doesn't demand equality.
21. A BEER doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a BEER in public.
23. A frigid BEER is a good BEER.
24. You don't have to wash a BEER before it tastes good.
25. BEER always comes in multiples of six.
26. BEER doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a BEER.
28. After you have a BEER, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A BEER never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your BEER is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find BEER labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. BEER looks the same in the morning.
33. BEER doesn't look you up in a month.
34. BEER doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. BEER doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. BEER doesn't get cramps.
37. BEER doesn't have a mother.
38. BEER doesn't have morals.
39. BEER doesn't go crazy once a month! .
40. BEER always listens and never argues.
41. BEER labels don't go out of style every year.
42. BEER doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. BEER doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. BEER doesn't demand legality.
45. BEER is never overweight.
46. If you change BEERs, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. BEER won't run off with your credit cards.
48. BEER doesn't have a lawyer.
49. BEER doesn't need much closet space.
50. BEER can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. BEER doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. BEER doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. BEER never changes its mind.
54. BEER doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. BEER never asks you to change the station.
56. BEER doesn't make you go shopping.
57. BEER doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. BEER doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
59. BEER is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat BEERs are nice to have.
61. BEER doesn't pout or play games.
62. BEER NEVER says no.
63. BEER is easy to get into.
64. BEER never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. BEER doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other BEERs.
66. BEER doesn't wear a bra.
67. BEER doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. BEER doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. BEER doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. BEER doesn't live with its mother.
71. BEER doesn't blow you off.
72. BEER doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. BEER doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
74. BEER doesn't mind football season.
75. A BEER won't make you go to church.
76. A BEER is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
77. A BEER doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A BEER doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. A BEER doesn't give a f#$% if you keep a bunch of other BEERS around.
80. A BEER will no! t insist that those odious Michelin commercials wit babies are "cute".
81. If a BEER leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A BEER will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson".
83. A BEER won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station.
84. A BEER won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85. A BEER won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86.
If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a BEER, it
won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
87. A BEER won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A BEER won't smoke in your car.
89.
A BEER won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an
unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out
of the sky.
90. A BEER will never buy a car with automatic transmi! ssion.
91.
A BEER will actually *support* belching and farting and share your
enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the
1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.
92. A BEER is always ready to leave on time.
93. A BEER never fishes for compliments.
94. Some BEERs (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. BEER tastes *good*.
96.
If you take a BEER outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide
to drink it, the BEER won't accuse you of "date rape".
97. A BEER won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.
98. An ice-cold BEER will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A BEER won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store.
100.
A BEER won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just
for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the BEER won't accuse you of
it.)

Subject: Re: Because I'm a MAN!!!!! Wed Aug 26, 2009 5:41 pm

And because women always have the final say!!!!

1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.

2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.

3. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.

4. A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.

5. A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.

6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.

7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.

8. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.

9. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.

10. If a beer had a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.

11. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.

12. A beer doesn't sulk.

13. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.

14. A beer won't switch the TV channel.

15. A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.

16. A beer doesn't snore.

17. A beer can't interrupt.

18. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburetor.

19. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.

20. A beer doesn't belch. Or fart.

21. A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.

22. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.

23. A good beer is easy to find.

24. A beer can't pout.

25. A beer doesn't have a mother.

26. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.

27. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.

28. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.

29. A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.

30. A beer will be there for anytime of the month.

31. A beer doesn't want children.

32. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.

33. A beer isn't ready until you're ready.

34. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.

35. Hangovers go away.

36. A beer tastes good.

37. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.

38. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.

39. A beer's life does not revolve around the football.

40. A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.

41. A beer never needs a shave.

42. You don't have to let a beer win.

43. A beer doesn't care what toppings you get on the pizza.

44. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to sleep with a beer too.

45. A beer doesn't have morning breath.

46. A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go.

47. A beer will never drink the last beer.

48. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.

49. When a beer is finished, it doesn't roll over and go to sleep.

50. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.

51. A beer is never temperamental.

52. A beer will never complain about your cooking.

53. A cold beer is a good beer.

54. A beer will never worry about losing its hair.

55. A big, fat beer is nice to have.

56. A beer won't steal the covers.

57. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.

58. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.

59. You can enjoy a beer when you are on your period.