Taboo subjects discussions - Part 1 - Mothers who leave their children.

Currently on Sky 3. 'Mums who leave their children'

Quote :

Journalist Jane Moore goes in search of women who left their children to pursue their own ambitions, and talks to the youngsters and fathers left behind.

An author left her children to pursue her career as a writer. She came out about the fact she left her children to do this in a newspaper article. A passenger, a woman, on the same train and herself, spat at her when she recognized the author.

You may ask why is this a taboo subject, it is as mother's are supposed to stay with their offspring not walk away. Even if they children are better cared for by their husbands or other family members. Women who abandon their children are still ostracized by society even today.

Today's world of a more relaxed easy going culture, still attacks those mother's who for a myriad of reasons leave their children.

So what makes mothers leave their children?

• Mental health issues
  
• Careers
  
• Lack of maternal care
  
• Marital problems
  

These are often the majority of reasons some women leave their children.

If a man leaves his children, nobody bats and eyelid or spits on them. Yet why does a woman attract such hostility?


I walked away from my children. At the time,I wanted out of the marriage. He was all for moving out and then it backfired on me, he went of custody. So I abandoned them. My reason was may be selfish or made in the heat of anger or even in spite. I left because I wanted him to actually act as a parent, rather than me for all intents and purposes being a single parent to them. There are large chunks I have missed out here. To cut to the end part. I won full custody of my 2 youngest. My eldest the court deemed capable of making her own mind up, at 10 years old, and she chose to stay with her dad.

So I have the stigma of being a 'bad' mother, who walked away from her children, attached.

What I gained from it all, was what I already knew and my youngest children. What I lost was my eldest who will I doubt ever treat me as her mum. Even though she could see the differences in her upbringing to that of her siblings and how vastly different this was.She suffered and blocked any of my attempts to help her, Even when her dad dumped her on my doorstep and took off. My younger 2 although they had the same care I had always provided for them, apart of them was also lost. To them I am the one at fault, it s only now my ex has another child. They, regretfully, can see what he really is like as he does exactly the something now. It is now dawning on them and that , for me, is the cruelest part of all of this to watch them realize the truth.

So us mother's who walk away from our children, are we deserving of this scorn or?

The floor is open for discussion on part 1 of the taboo subjects.

its all crap to imply mothers are a more caring parent than their male counter parts ,
there are just as many if not more women that commit infanticide
women are just as likely to be bad parents ,in fact more so because they are more likely to be left with the kids if a relationship breaks down
it just goes to show how wrong society is to believe women make the better parents
when they go round spitting in each others face

As a mother of three children, I can only comment on my own situation and believe it is wrong to cast aspersions on others until you are in the same situation as them.

Obviously, there are different types of people...men, women....nobody's the same, we don't all act the same in a set situation..we react in our own way and who's to say who's right and who's wrong....we can only do what we believe is best for those involved at the time.

I, myself could never have left any of my kids, no matter what...that's just me. I split with the father of my eldest two when they were 8 and 5 after years of trying to keep it together... for the sake of the kids (being from a broken home myself) but no matter how hard I tried, my eldest always wanted to live with his father and at 16 did....... and this still breaks my heart...... and no doubt his brother will follow suit...grass is always greener and all that!

The thing that bothers me is ...no matter whether it be mother or father, the absent parent always seems to be...in my opinion...the "greener grass"....and it's the parent who's there through the "24/7" that gets kicked in the teeth, but that's just my situation.....everyone has a situation of their own.

I don't believe men or women are more caring......I believe we are all different.

A parent that abandons their child[ren] is a bad parent, male or female... That, however, doesn't mean that they are a bad person.

I think that the attitude towards mothers in particular comes from tradition and generalisations, which I believe, like 'scorn', are often wrong and ultimately counter-productive.

...Essentially just echoing what the other two said...

Mmmmm it is a tough subject.........

I personally know someone who was abandoned by her mother at the age of 12 and I know how deeply it has affected her psychologically. She will never forgive her even though she is back on the scene. It has an effect on her relationships and she is always craving attention. (in a nice way though)

As Julz said above, we all have different backgrounds and situations I split with my ex when my daughter was 9 and my first thought was to take her with me, there was no way I was leaving her to suffer what I had. I've never bad mouthed her father and let her figure it out for herself but I was always the bad mother. She left a couple of times to go live with her father and it tore me in two every time, of course he would kick off and she would eventually come back. only now that she is 21 does she see the whole picture.

I think it takes a certain type of woman to leave her children, she must either be totally selfish or totally unselfish, by this I mean she either doesn't care about her kids or she cares so much she wants the best for them and that may mean leaving them in better hands.

Females are expected to be maternal and 90% are, but not all......I could never turn my back on my kids, maybe I was a selfish mother by dragging my daughter away?

Fathers can and do make great single parents, I know of two and the kids are so well rounded, I'm not one to say all kids should be with their mothers, I just wouldn't understand how a mother could leave them but as I say, all situations are different.

As RR said, either parent/s can be crap or as caring. Yet gender states women care, men bring home the t-rex. Unfortunately society dictates that is the norm. So when anybody breaks out of that stereotypical mold they have to be subjected to scorn etc.

Also true of a breakdown of marriage, women get the kids, men get the mistress and kids at weekends a Disney picture ending. Again anybody who fails to follow those fairytale endings is subjected to the same scornful treatment.

As Julz so eloquently put it, we are all different. Sadly the truth is we are but we are not permitted to be. Mothers are that full time. Fathers are that a part-time roll. No verging from that is permissible or acceptable.

There are a myriad of reasons women do walk away, some selfish as some would say, some pitifully as others would say, some because their was no choice left at that moment. I admire anybody who says they couldn't think of a reason to walk away from their children. Unlike some, like me, who aren't afforded such a luxury of thinking, it is a case of go now, think later.

Turnip put it, bad parents who walk away are that, but not bad people. Men who walk away are bastards to those women left holding the baby so to speak. Society does not judge them as harshly, irresponsible is the worst label a man gets subjected to and perhaps a bit of verbal anger from those close to him.

Bad mothers are not bad people, so you'd think. Again the irony is a bad mother is worse than a bad person. You become a social leper, even if it was a matter of a short time, A mother who walked away remains one.

How does such an antiquated notion remain instilled in todays, alleged relaxed society?

I left my kids, yet I am judged as a unfit mother. Despite having my children's schools, welfare and the Court Judge, supporting and stating I was the responsible parent, with the welfare, health, safety and care of my children was beyond measure. I still left them - bad mummy - = social pariah!

It is a sad state of affairs indeed because as you say we do STILL judge based on olden day ways when society has evolved so differently.

I don't understand why either, we are indeed strange creatures with strange habits.

Perhaps because people would rather be in the comfort of society's manacled-blanket, than standing enjoying the sun and embracing new ideals. We are what we were shaped to be.

Society says mothers are mother's for life and beyond. Which reminds me of a time when my youngest was introducing me to her friends. It went, this is my mum. Her friends then introduced me to their mum's saying the same, this is my mum. It seemed forever before I had my own name, not your x's mum, or y's mum. Even now I still hear oh I remember you, you're x's mum.

Which had me thinking, I was my mother's daughter, she was gris's mum etc etc. Nameless except for that rather pronounced title 'somebodies mum'.

Even those mothers who work are classed as mothers who leave their children, a slightly nicer higher up rung, but nonetheless they leave their children.

It seems to me society is against mothers period, Mum's can't work, they can't go out socializing without offspring in tow, they can't walk away to pursue careers or leave them in the care of the other parent. Mother's it seems are doomed from the first birthing of their own child?

Mrs-G wrote:

It is a sad state of affairs indeed because as you say we do STILL judge based on olden day ways when society has evolved so differently.

I don't understand why either, we are indeed strange creatures with strange habits.

commerce and economics dear
commerce and economics


this was my pos was it not
im all confused

personally i am a single mother of 2 very beautiful daughters and think that no matter what shit is delt to you once you have your child/ren then no mother should walk away from them,

i have been through a very bad break up, and deal with mental disorders every day but no-one and nothing will ever part me and MY babies because at the end of the day i chose that they should be here by carrying them for 9 months so therefore i am the one responsible for there upbringing and to be honest these days we allllllll know that the father will more than likely walk away from the child/ren anyway so when women agree to carry on the pregnancy should look at it like they will be on there own

jolozkaz wrote:

personally i am a single mother of 2 very beautiful daughters and think that no matter what shit is dealt to you once you have your child/ren then no mother should walk away from them,

i have been through a very bad break up, and deal with mental disorders every day but no-one and nothing will ever part me and MY babies because at the end of the day i chose that they should be here by carrying them for 9 months so therefore i am the one responsible for there upbringing and to be honest these days we allllllll know that the father will more than likely walk away from the child/ren anyway so when women agree to carry on the pregnancy should look at it like they will be on there own

I think many mum's would agree they feel like they are raising the kids single handed.

Not all mum's have that maternal bond. Some father's equally have more of a bond.

It is societies emphasis that mothers stay with children there is no alternative or acceptance to any that veer from that solid path. Whereas in truth some father's make better mothers than mother's do. Also it is one thing to be pregnant and another when the child is there. Giving birth does not make you or should force you to remain with that child/ren because of some rosy ideal that society has made the norm.

There are all kinds of circumstances that can make a mother walk away. Not all can cope the same as another mother going through, say depression. All circumstances are different and unique to each person.

In short, in my opinion only, its no different a mother walking away as a father walking away...

They both have/or should have, the same paternal bond...

So so long as one parent wants the kid/kids then it makes no difference to me whatsoever who ends up with em, its if both parents walk away, thats when i think its wrong....

Totally abandoned kids are kids never thought through, planned, wanted or loved..a kid with a single parent is still in with a small chance, no matter how small..

were do I start,

when I split with my sons Mother if u can call it that, I dident get to see my son for just over 1 month. so needed to go to the lawyers etc to get acces and Im saying this now that time I dident get to see my son it ripped me in half emotianlly and pyshically. but I swore I would get my son back which did happen because IT couldn't handle him, I have had residence of my boy for 9, 10 months but need to go to the courts cause IT wants the wee man back Id rather die than see that happening.

I could never leave my son NEVER but some people are just sick in the head to leave their own blood. they can blame it on depression or what ever at the end of the day its your own blood there for take responsibility

Why do we owe our 'own flesh and blood' more than anyone else?

.tUrniP wrote:

Why do we owe our 'own flesh and blood' more than anyone else?

Is that a stupid question?

Our social structure(s) are rather odd though; it has to be said.

stranger leaves still confused LOL

nah m8 I think I know what your saying

roland rat wrote:

Mrs-G wrote:

It is a sad state of affairs indeed because as you say we do STILL judge based on olden day ways when society has evolved so differently.

I don't understand why either, we are indeed strange creatures with strange habits.

commerce and economics dear
commerce and economics

im sure i wrote something there
but its gone
shit it hard to remember stuff you write especially if you don't believe it ya self

.tUrniP wrote:

Why do we owe our 'own flesh and blood' more than anyone else?

Of course we would owe our own flesh and blood the most.....It's human nature to protect yourself and your family first, I'll try giving you an example...

Just for an arguments sake, say your parents or siblings where in Sri Lanka when the Tsunami struck and you knew they were right there in the thick of it all, what would your first thought be? I'm guessing you'd be thinking "Fuck, I need to see if they are OK, I need to speak to them"....I doubt you would be thinking the same about every other person there?...blood is indeed as they say thicker than water.

You're right. My first thoughts would be for people that I know.¹
And yes, I deliberately use 'people that I know' because I believe it's much more relevant than blood.

Let me try to use your example... If I knew that my father were in that situation I'm not sure that I would think of him first, or at least not 'above' all the others suffering.²
Doesn't that suggest that it's based more on the social interaction, relationship, rather than shared [deoxyribonucleic] acid?

Of course "blood is thicker than water" but so is sea water, does that mean salt water fish take priority over fresh?³

Do you see what I'm getting at now?

I wasn't asking if; I wasn't suggesting it stop; Really, I was just asking why we don't build relationships like that with our neighbours, our townsfolk, our compatriots, everybody?

To a degree I suppose we do but we also tend towards xenophobia, exploitation, hate, nationalism, racism, sexism and general intolerance ... there is an us vs them mentality where 'us' and 'them' are ever-changing but always present.
Now, if I believed that was human nature (or that it can't be overcome) that would be inescapably depressing, no chance of change, no hope; it comes pretty close knowing that it's only this way because we've made it so but...

I risk going even further off topic. Sorry... I'll just add -

I think if you had a mind to you could relate the hard time deserter mums get with the innate insecurity of people, in fact, most things can be related to it.

"a kid with a single parent is still in with a small chance, no matter how small.." What do you mean?

Congratulations Stranger on being a good dad (or coming across as one at least).

And lastly, my mummy is the best, so there; you've all already got inferior parents...


¹ - Although marginally preceded by 'AH! I can't deal with this. Where's the rum and/or whiskey!?!?" ... tremendously selfish, I know.
² - A man that I can remember meeting twice in my life; both times fell short of 5 minutes and on only one did I actually know who he was... It's not bitterness, just reality.
³ - Sounds silly right?

Your situation sheds some light on to why Gris Gris's point is an important one, as you stated you probably wouldn't spit on your father if he was on fire, simply because he has never been in a single part of your life. A mother carries the child for 9 months and goes through the physical pain of labour and birth, already expected to develop a bond with the child by everyone. A father/child bond has to begin from birth onwards so this is where I think that society looks down on mothers who abandon children. Not every woman is maternal, many women will have a child because it is expected of them, most will go on to develop a maternal instinct.

I still think that every situation is an individual one and stand by my original post.

Fair enough...

I just have to point out though that I don't hate or resent my father. I just don't hold him in higher regard than any other human being;
Any of which I'd like to think I would try to help out if they happen to be on fire (figuratively and literally).

I still think that these expectations are based on societal constructs rather than biology but I don't expect you to change your opinion. I will ask though, would this expected maternal instinct extend to a parasite?

Regardless, my comment was quite off-topic anyway - You could say I was asking why we don't all live in communes and look after whichever kid happens to be closest at the time - so I think it best to ignore me...

[quote=".tUrniP"]
Congratulations Stranger on being a good dad (or coming across as one at least).

I don't want to sound like a prick here but I dident like the part you said as above, I'm not going to go more in to it cause I think this thread is going a different way than it was meant to I was just giving my experience as a father.

I dont think it was meant as a dig Stranger mate, i think it was meant
as a compliment, thats what i read it as anyway..

Sorry, I was being genuine. I really do think you sound like a great dad but it's based on a paragraph I've read on an internet forum; I don't know you, hence the part in parenthesis but, as I say, I meant it.