Jokes

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet any more.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God -------------- I still have my driver's license.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
' For fast relief.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then, he said with a deep sigh, . . .


















'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found brand new bathroom scales.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

that is HILLARIOUS!!!!


don't read this if u're religious...u might not like it..

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath
and young Sister Madalene Edwards had prepared
the bath water and towels just the way the old
nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not
to look at Father John's nakedness if she could
help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Edwards
how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've
been saved."

"Saved? And how did this fine thing come about?"
asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub,
he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing
him he guided my hand down between his legs
where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.

Sister Edwards continued, "And Father John said
that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the
portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I
would be assured of salvation and eternal peace.
And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven
into my lock."

"Is that a fact," said the old nun even more
evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said
the pathway to salvation was often painful and
that the glory of God would soon swell my heart
with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being
saved."

"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "he
told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I have been
blowing it for 40 years!!"


****joke taken from mutantroosta*******

LMAO!!!!!! That is hilarious. XD

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EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


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Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?


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Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?


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Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?


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Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?


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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and

dish washing liquid made with real lemons?


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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


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Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?


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Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


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You know that indestructible black box that is used on air planes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


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I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


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If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


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Remember, that before you read this, that it is located in the JOKE section and that is all it is.
I like my testicles were they are and don't wish to have them hacked, shot, burnt or kicked off so early in MadDogz & Englishmen career



Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why
is a Laundret a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able
to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?


It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows. Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

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How do you
fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

-- --------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%

It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men Until

they can walk down the street with a bald head

And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy..

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'


So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.'


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.



Male readers :
Please scroll down.



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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that
women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

Fanny Green

An Irish man went
to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last
confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father,
it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with
Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the
sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly
sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her
dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny
emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress
and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but
just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny
Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to
calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her
shoes!'

@ TK and JULZ

An Irish priest is transferred to Texas. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there must be "deadly" at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER



ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT



THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE




THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS



DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM



SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME



ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY




ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT



SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S



A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE



THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE



ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:






MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Q - If a pig looses its voice does it become disgruntled ?


man n wife are rowing... husband yells ....

when you die im getting you a head stone that reads "here lies my wife COLD as ever!"

wife yells ..
yeah well when you die yours is gona read...
here lies my husband STIFF at last!!

LOL
Poor poor Gaz!

How the world works NOW:





If a man
cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,

he blames the restaurant.


If you smoke three packs a day For 40 years and die of lung
cancer,

your family blames the tobacco company..


If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,

he blames the bartender.


If your grandchildren are Brats without manners,

you blame television..


If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,

you blame the gun manufacturer.


And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and
the passengers kill
him instead,

the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world

as it is
anymore.


So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is
parked in front of this computer,I want all of
you to blame
Bill Gates.