Jokes

2 oaps are having oral sex together. the old mas says, I cant stay down here 4 2 long it stinks. the old lady replies sorry its my arthritis, man replies arthritis in ur fanny? no says the old lady. the arthritis is in my arm I cant wipe my arse??

paddy and murphy buy four budgies from a pet shop and proceed to drive to a cliff. paddy puts 2 of the birds on his shoulders and jumps straight t his death./ murphy looks down at the remains of his pals and says FUCK dat, dis budgie jumping,s too fekin dangerous.

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained;

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day
in June 1944, and I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to."

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what
happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found
a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over
again. All the positions; everything!"

His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"

"No, I couldn't find her head."

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

A blonde has a job painting lines on a road. The first day she manages to do 376 lines, the second 263 and the last 87.

The manager asks why the number of lines per day is deteriorating.

To which the blonde replies, 'Every time I paint a line, the paint can gets further and further away!'

Husband hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years.


"I'll shoot her
just under her left breast" the hitman says.


Husband replies "I want you to
kill her, not kneecap her!"

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

A chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant

"He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant.

"You bloody idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough with laxatives"

"Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too scared to cough"

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!"

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.


The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or
bottle-fed.


'Breast-fed,' she replied.



'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.


She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, & rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.


Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,


'No wonder this baby is underweight"

You don't have any milk'


I know,' she said,


I'm his Grandma,


but I'm glad I came.

Two cats decide to swim the English Channel in a race,

The first cat is called One Two Three cat

The second cat is called Une Deux Trois cat

Which one won the race?










One Two Tree cat did..........................because Une Deux Trois cat sank!

One morning
while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on
the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your
control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she
kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on
each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we
could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she
rolled over and grabbed him by his pecker. With a death grip in place,
she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the
gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother

A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail, altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing.

The pilot speaks over the intercom.

'I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne.'

Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.

Again the pilot gets on the intercom.

'I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start off-loading passengers.

The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'.

'Africans, any Africans on board?'

No one answers

'Ok then, 'B'.

Black people, any black people?'

Again, silence.

'C' - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?

Silence.

A little black boy in the back turns to his mother.

'But Mama, aren't we African?, aren't we Black? Aren't we Coloured?'

'Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggaz.

Let dem Muslims go first.

Hahahaha

Just to keep in the spirit of the season


Tiger's Night Before Christmas (read like the poem)



Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,

Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.

He'd been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.

Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He'd been cheatin' with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,

When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin',

Tiger's wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

"If you're gettin' laid then I'm gettin' paid."

She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,

Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

and a little something to go with the poem LOL

http://video1.break.com/dnet/media/2009/12/tiger-woods-wife-outrun-video-game.swf

Courtesy of Julz.......................


12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:



1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'


2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'


3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'


4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'


5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'


6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'


7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!


8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'


9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '


10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'


11.. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'


12... Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

Courtesy of Snowflake

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, And every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'


One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'



----------------------------------------------------------------


Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients

and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much

he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt

and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.


But every now and then he'd hear an internal

reassuring voice in his head that said:


"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."


But invariably another voice in his head

would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......

Dave...........

Dave .............


Dave........

Dave........

..........you're a vet.

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER-----HILARIOUS!





This letter is a thing of great beauty (even if the language is a bit strong)...You definitely feel the guy's pain!














Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot
believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone
number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back
in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody
born and on what date.





For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have
on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for
the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license,
my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those
stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being
allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable
census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my
mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be
abso-fucking-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!





I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an'
me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my
house, then you ask me for my fucking address !!!!





What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes
working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I
don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go
and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please
tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in
the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a
chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd
want to tell!





Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy
city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of
£30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same
spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd
rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our
heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's
really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed
to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons) Hey, do you know why we
couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!








Signed





An Irate Citizen.








P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since
1776 ........ I have served in the military for something over 30 years
and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me
to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. ........
However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know,
someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN !



Sincerely,

Osama Bin Laden caught shagging sheep in the mountains of western pakistan.









He said they were 'is lambs and he could do what the fuck he wanted with 'em.


Boom, boom ... I'm here all week