Jokes

The other night I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told
my other half that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the
hours passed and the beers went down way too easily. Around 3a.m.,
a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
And cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my missus would probably
wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. Even
when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos
(MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my missus asked me what time I got in, I told her
'MIDNIGHT'...

she didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo
clock.'

When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
Three times, then said 'oh shit.'
Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat
Cuckooed another three times, giggled
Cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

What happened to the irishman rakeing up the leaves...


He fell out of the tree...

How did Aids get into England...


It Bummed a lift...


What happened to cinderella's dildo at midnight...


It turned into a pumpkin...


i was walking down along the beach when i came across a woman with no arms and no legs..
so we got into a little bit of small talk before i asked
Have you ever been kissed before, she says no
So we started kissing away, then i asked have you ever been f##ked before
She says no
Well i said your gonna be f##ked now because the tides coming in!

2 MEN WALKED INTO A BAR..


YOU'D THINK THE 2ND ONE WOULD OF SAW IT!

A wee tale you

a man is cupping his hand to scoop water to drink from a Highland lake. when a game keeper spots him and shouts, dinnae drink that water. ets full ae coos shite an piss the bloke replies sorry, my good man I'm from england could you repeat. that in English for me ! the keeper replies I'm sorry I said use two hands you'll spill less that way.

man and his wife are having sex when their 10 year old son walks in on
them. The son screams "OH MY GOD" and then runs out of the room. The
father laughs and says to give the son a few minutes to calm down, and
then he'll explain what was going on.

A few minutes later, the father walks into his sons room to find he's got Granny bent over the dresser and going at it hell for leather. The man screams "OH MY GOD!" Yeah, his
son says.

Little boy says "It's not so f**king funny when it's YOUR mother, is it?"

TK that is piss funny LMFAO

TK Trooper wrote:

man and his wife are having sex when their 10 year old son walks in on
them. The son screams "OH MY GOD" and then runs out of the room. The
father laughs and says to give the son a few minutes to calm down, and
then he'll explain what was going on.

A few minutes later, the father walks into his sons room to find he's got Granny bent over the dresser and going at it hell for leather. The man screams "OH MY GOD!" Yeah, his
son says.

Little boy says "It's not so f**king funny when it's YOUR mother, is it?"

thats a cracker m8 have sent it to a few m8s lol

I aim to please

Here's a few off my phone (Look away if easily offended)



Not every flower can say "Love", but a rose can.
Not every plant survives thirst, But a cactus can.
Not every retard can read......Ar but look at you having a go :-)


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Alcohol free lager is like licking your sisters ****** (you know)
It tastes the same, but it just isn't right!!!!


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Condom Company Slogans:

1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
3. If you think she's spunky, protect your monkey.
4. Don't be a fool, cover your tool.
5. Wrap your bate before you mate.
6. Plug your funnel, then enter her tunnel.
7. Package your meat for a real nice treat.
8. Sock that wanger, before you bang her.
9. If your nude, then tube your dude.
10. Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle.

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Sometimes when you cry no one sees your tears....
When your worried no one sees your pain....
When your happy no one sees your smile....
But just try having a wank on a bus and see how many nosey fuckers see you!!!

P.S Can you please come and pick me up from the police station in about an hour?

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You are in the pub when you suddenly realize..........you need a fart!!!
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a while you start to feel better. As you finish your pint, you notice
everyone is staring at you.
Then you remember..................

Your listening to your iPod!!!!

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Why are parking spaces like girls at parties????

Because if you get there late all the best ones are taken, so
when no one is looking you stick it in the disabled one.

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.

He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.

He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks,
"Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What's in your
pocket?"

The man replies, "Oh... I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home."

2 men walk into a bar.....

You would think one of them would have seen it!

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2 Elephants fall off a cliff

Boom Boom!

What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

A
young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night
he's
doing a show in a small town in Ayrshire .

With
his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his
usual
dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th
row
stands on her chair and starts shouting:

'I've heard enough
of your stupid blonde jokes.
What
makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What
does the colour of a person's hair have to do with
her
worth as a human being?
It's
men like you who keep women like me from
being
respected at work and in the community, and from
reaching
our full potential as people.
Because
you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination
against not only blondes, but women
in
general... and all in the name of humour!'

The embarrassed
ventriloquist begins to apologize,
and
the blonde yells:
'You
stay out of this mate!
I'm
talking to that little shit on your lap!'

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

Children Writing About the Ocean...

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne , age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her ass.. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

A young couple wanted to join the church, the vicar told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the vicar ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed

'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the vicar inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

The vicar asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult.. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.

One afternoon my wife reached for a CAN of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The vicar lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase either.'

lol love it :)

HA HA Good ones

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Taylor Swift

Taylo..........





I just want to say that Beyoncé had one of the greatest knock knock jokes of all time!

boy lost his job in the chip shop. his dad goes to find out why, owner says I found him with a potato up his arse. his dad say may I SEE THE POTAYO PEELER? the owner replied no I sacked him as well.